Mischief and Mayhem by Peeves the Magnificent
by Tegan1
Summary: Peeves just wants to have a bit of fun. Snape and Hermione just want a bit of each other. My answer to WIKTT's 2nd-Person Challenge.


**Mischief and Mayhem by Peeves the Magnificent (self-proclaimed poltergeist extraordinaire) **

You couldn't believe your eyes!  What luck!  What fun!  

Normally, you would have been content with your accomplishments thus far.  It wasn't every night that you bombarded the "Ickle Firsties" with flying custards, bellowing, "Bombs Away!" as the students scattered; or trapped Mrs. Norris in a suit of armor, a cacophony of meows, screeches, and clanks echoing down the corridors; or created an engineering masterpiece in the trophy room, waiting for someone, namely Filch, to open the door in search of you, sending the pyramid of shiny awards crashing down.

Well, maybe it was every night, but those last two misdeeds had finally forced you to seek mischief elsewhere.  Though particularly fun to hack off, Filch was rather handy with a broom, and he had been livid, screaming, "Peeves!  This is the last time…." 

Albeit safer than in the vicinity of the raging caretaker, sneaking down to the dungeons was not the easiest of tasks.  You'd nearly been caught by the Bloody Baron, and oh, it was so difficult to be quiet, especially as you floated by all those tempting trinkets that called out to you, "Pick us up, hurl us, make us go crash!"

_Ooh_,_ that carved Slytherin crest would look absolutely delightful floating in the boy's toilet. __You could even give it a thirteen gun salute as you flushed._

_No, no…_  You drew your hand back before it touched the plaque.  You couldn't allow yourself to be distracted with simple play.  Now that you were here, you had other, more devious plans—specifically with Professor Big-Nose. 

As you approached the Potions classroom, light streaming from the open door, the sound of high-pitched bickering caught your attention.  Peeking around the doorway, your fondest dreams were met.  In all the years that you'd been raising havoc in the castle, an opportunity so ripe had yet to fall into your lap.  Loki may have been a god, but you were an artist, and this would be your _pièce de résistance.  _

And oh, how they deserved it.  Ever since Miss Know-It-All head girl had become Professor Know-It-All, you'd been itching to pull a good one on her.  She was almost as bad as the man in black himself—always bossing you around, never letting you have your bit of fun.  Now they were both here, alone in the same room, and things were about to get interesting.

They were arguing as usual.  She was standing with her hands on her hips, glaring fire at him.  "You undermine my authority when you…"

"Professor Granger, I hardly think the students' lack of respect for you has anything to do with me," he cut her off.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" she huffed.

As if enjoying himself, Snape raised an eyebrow and smirked.

For an instant, she simply stared; her eyes widening, face reddening and lips thinning, until finally she spat out, "You, you pompous, insulting, overgrown bat!"

_She certainly had a wicked tongue.  You'd have to remember that nickname for future reference_.

There was a tension in the room that was almost tangible, and you wanted to take full advantage of it, to watch as all their built up frustrations erupted.  They were focused solely on each other, completely oblivious to everything else, including the glurping cauldron that sat on the workbench beside them.  

_Ooh,__ and the potion within looked so thick and gloppy. _

It was in the midst of this distraction that you materialized to drop a few ingredients of your own into the cauldron, quickly vanishing once more.

_KABOOM!_

It was a brilliant explosion!  Slime shot everywhere, splattering over walls and desks and professors.  

Zipping to the top of the dungeon's vaulted ceiling, you now had an unobstructed view of the chaos.  Anxiously you waited, a maniacal chuckle forming under your breath.  You turned a flip with excitement.   

But instead of pandemonium, something else occurred.

"Are you all right?  Are you hurt?" Snape asked, helping Granger up from the floor.

_What was this?  Concern?   Kindness?_  Where were the insults, the rage that you had expected?  This wasn't nearly as fun as you had hoped. 

Then again…

Quietly, so that you had to strain to hear, she replied, "Yes, I..I mean no.. That is, I'm fine."

_"Pfft…" y_ou flapped your lips with outrage.  There seemed to be such friction, such energy.  This was far from satisfying.

You were about to leave to find mischief elsewhere when you noticed something peculiar.  Neither professor had yet to move; they simply stood, staring into each others eyes, or rather holding each others gaze.  It was only a moment, but as you watched, confused and bewildered, it felt like an eternity.    

Slowly, and without breaking eye contact, Snape wiped away a splotch of goo from her cheek.  Lowering his mouth to hers, he kissed her.

_Aahh__!  The horror!_

You tried to shield your eyes, but your hands were transparent.  

_Solid, you must become solid!_

Materializing once more, the shock from what you were witnessing was too much!  Your eyes burst from their sockets, literally.  You had to catch them, shoving them back into place.

_This couldn't be true. _

Maybe you were simply looking at it from the wrong angle.

Turning over, you peered through your legs.  Well, everything was upside down now, but they were _still_ kissing.  He had leaned her against the work table pressing himself against her.  She was clinging to him, her hands intertwined with his hair.

There was nothing you could do to hide from the awful truth.  He was kissing her, and she was liking it!  

_Wait… She really was liking it, liking him, and he definitely seemed rather fond of her at present.  This might prove to be interesting after all._

In your most obnoxious, sing-song voice, you boomed, "Professor Bossy and Snivellus sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N….Oof!"

_SPLAT!_

_That Granger certainly was good with a wand.  _

You hadn't seen it coming, although you were rather preoccupied with making a scene.

Immobile, frozen—you lay on the dungeon floor.  This was your worst nightmare.  You needed to move and play.

Surprisingly, Big-Nose appeared more embarrassed and shocked than angry.  His sickly yellow skin had a decidedly pink glow, as he stood off in the background.   Professor Know-It-All, however, was furious.  Her lips were moist and swollen from their kiss, but there was a rage within her as she bent forward and narrowed her eyes on you.

"Why you little pest!  How dare you?"  She poked your round belly with her wand and glared down at you in disgust.

Either time or her rant had helped Snapey-poo collect himself, and with a quick glance in her direction as he approached, he stood over you, baring his teeth.  As he leaned forward, his nostrils flared, until you were staring straight up his colossal nose.  

You were trapped, like a fly under glass.  You wanted to shriek with frustration.  For the love of everything naughty and deceitful, you couldn't even blink.    

You needed to do something, anything!__

Pent up energy was steadily building inside of you.  And then, and then it happened…

_Honk!_

Oops, well that was certainly something.  Though still frozen by Bossy's spell, in your heart, you beamed with pride at the simplicity, but effectiveness of the raspberry you'd blown.  Crinkling his nose with distaste, Snivellus pulled out his wand, but Professor Know-It-All held him back.

Watching you, but speaking as if you no longer mattered, she chimed, "I don't think we have to worry about Peeves.  You see, I've always been quite good with hexes."

Turning towards him, she asked, "What do you think?  A Purple Pustules Hex or a Bat-Bogey?"

He paused for effect before answering, "Nothing so easy.  I'd like something a bit more..." and the word came out through his teeth in a silky whisper, "creative." And he leant down to whisper in her ear.

Her eyebrows perked up at his plan, but she asked, "Isn't that a tad cruel?"

His eyes moved down to you before he replied, "Yes."  As he said this, you watched in horror as evil smirks formed on both of their lips.  

It was impressive how the two had so quickly become co-conspirators.  Had their efforts been focused on anyone else, you would have cheered them on with glee.  Presently, however, you were not so chipper.

With a wave of her hand, you could speak once again.

Directing her wand at your belly, her voice deadly serious, she ordered, "Swear that you won't mention this to anyone or bother us again."

"If you don't say please, I shan't say…" but before you could finish, you saw her mouth open to Curse you.  "Wait!" you wailed.  "I promise!  I won't say a word of what I saw, I won't!"

"And you promise to leave us alone?"

"Yes, yes.  I promise," you muttered, contorting your face into annoying pout.

"And to seal the deal," she commanded, "_Votum__ Excipio Viscus."  With a satisfied look, she added, "There, that should do it."   _

There was a final swish of her wand, and you were free to move about. "Now leave, and keep your big mouth shut, or you'll regret it."

She didn't have to say that twice.  With a whoosh, you fled the classroom, but paused just outside the doorway to listen.

Snape sneered, "We should have done more.  He'll never stay quiet."

Hermione sighed, "Maybe not, but he'll learn to stay away from us after his body twists inside-out."  She paused, "Besides, you can't be entirely angry with him.  If he hadn't pulled his little prank, you never would have worked up the courage to kiss me."  

And then there was silence, except for the rattling of armor as you sped away to tell the world what you had seen.

_After all, being turned inside-out might not be so bad.  It would certainly be useful when having a go at the Ickle Firsties._


End file.
